i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
