I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
