while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
