Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
MIDGETS
????
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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