Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my fart just growled at me.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
