i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
