I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
