I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
