Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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