On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
