her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Help. Why am I so naked?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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