he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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