i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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