I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
