My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
