Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
no. you can't hotbox the world.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
