I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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