What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
