Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I currently don't understand fingers.
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