my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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