I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My vagina just recognized that song.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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