If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
