we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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