Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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