my phone needs a breathalizer
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
