Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize