My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
