Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
