hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
