She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize