We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
