the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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