Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
