i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
