Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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