I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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