I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
