i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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