I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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