Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
