Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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