The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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