I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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