My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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