I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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