if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
