Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize