im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
