Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
