i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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