Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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