Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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