dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize