What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
