Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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