i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
