On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
