Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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