nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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