I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize